It was all too raw on Wednesday, so we did nothing but let it sink in and be a support to one another.
Yesterday, M began jobhunting in earnest. He was hampered by a sinus attack which set in on Wednesday morning and has yet to let up its grip, but he carried on regardless. It slows him down and dulls his responses, but we don’t have the luxury of him resting until it goes away. He made phone calls to several of the companies who interviewed in back in October — some had moved on and had nothing to offer, but one is still hiring and asked him to re-apply. At their request, we filled out their online application form last night after the girls had gone to bed — starting at 9pm, we finally finished it at 2am. M collapsed into bed. I couldn’t sleep and laid in the dark, staring at nothing for another two hours.
Today, M was up early making calls. When he woke me up, he was beginning to lose his cool. He screwed his face up and then buried it in my shoulder. “I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want my girls growing up here where…” His voice broke and he pulled me into him hard so his face was deeper in my shoulder, hidden from my gaze, “…where people are so vulnerable. You don’t take a job for the job, you take it for the insurance. It might be a job you hate. It might not pay enough, but you take it so your kids aren’t uninsured! What is wrong with these people that they live like this?!?” So many of the companies M spoke to offer insurance to the employee, but did not cover the family. On the starting wages he is looking at, private insurance costs for us would be crippling.
My mother and I are taking the girls out now — I don’t know where, but just out from under M’s feet, so he can make more calls, try to follow more leads. His sinuses will not let up and give him a break. But, then, neither will our circumstances.