I have my husband back! By which, I don’t just mean that I have my man home again (which I do — he’s returned from his interview trip — more on that later). I mean that he’s come home quite different from how he left. Since he walked through the door, he has been confident, energetic, pro-active, and — above all — positive. It is like stepping back in time, back to the man I married.
It stands to reason he’d be in a different frame of mind. Ok, it was only a week, but was an incredibly intense trip: 9 interviews in 5 days, living 24/7 with his in-laws, starting the trip by activating his new visa through US Immigration, and then having to be psyched up to impress employers every single day, and then stay focused to evaluate and assess the events every evening. That pace alone was bound to spark some sort of change in him, either good or bad, albeit probably temporary. But he was also in the US — which so often has a kind of inbuilt positivity — and talking to successful entrepreneurs and small business-owners — driven people who got where they are by seeing the possible and grabbing opportunities.
As well as that, he spent the week with my parents. My dad is bootstraps and a businessman. My mother, bless her, takes positivity to almost pathological levels — this can be either a good or a bad thing, but in this case it was good.
Surrounded by all that, he was bound to either crumble under the pressure or rise to the occasion. And, thank God Almighty, he chose the latter. He walked back in the house yesterday looking like I haven’t seen him in years: eyes bright, head high, focused and ready. I knew this man — I’d married him — but I hadn’t seen him in years. I felt light as air in his presence.
And in that levity, I suddenly realised the weight I’ve been carrying for such a long time. I realised how far he has slipped, and how hard it’s been to carry him as he’s slumped lower and lower.
I enjoyed the relief while it lasted. Today, he is a bit more the man I have known lately, and he will become that man more tomorrow, and every day as we sink back into the endless grind of everyday life. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with urgency to move the States. Suddenly, I want to move now. I want to be there now. I want to pick up my little family, shed this old country, this small house, this clutter and mess, this crippling cost of living, his soul-destroying job, and I want to move.
I want my husband back for more than a day. I want him back for good.