I held back a bit on that last post. I think I felt I needed to keep it all polite and tidy but, hey, it’s my blog — my thoughts — so why should I keep it any more sanitised than what runs through my head?
So, you know the bit in my previous post where I said,
At one point, I went dizzy — I think I’d forgotten to eat anything since breakfast and it was now nearing evening — and I suddenly thought, What if I died? How long would it be before anyone realised? …And what would the baby eat? Somehow, everything seemed that basic.
What I actually thought to myself was, What if I died? What would the baby eat? She won’t take a bottle. She’d starve to death! But… if they found me before I went cold, they could probably prop her up next to me and she could have one last feed before rigor mortis set in and that would give them a bit more time to figure out what to do.
That is how basic things get when you become a mother. You know when otherwise cool, sane, rational, fun-loving people you know have kids and one day turn around and say — the way they all say — “Oh, my priorities have changed completely!” and it kind of sets your teeth on edge? Well, I understand it now. The things that are most important to me now are the reliability of our food supply, the security of our four walls when we all go to sleep at night, our physical safety as we walk down the street, and our health — and theirs before mine. Those are real concerns to me now, rather than the assumptions that they used to be whilst I focused on my other interests. It’s as if all the superfluous stuff of life has been boiled off rapidly and I am left with the reduction: a rich stock of just the necessities. It is basic and crude. It is straight to the point. It is motherhood.